Q&A: What do you think of this first paragraph? Really short.?
Question by The Answerer: What do you think of this first paragraph? Really short.?
It’s the first paragraph of a story I want to write. I just want to know what a variety of people think. Someone told me it was a tiny bit too descriptive. I know it doesn’t tell you much, but tell me something about it anyway (:
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The scorching sun shone warmly overhead the tiny town of Panting, and birds could be heard singing sweetly to the morning, from their haven in the tall oak canopies.
Panting was a little, isolated town, that populated just over 300 people. Situated in the middle of a vast forest, it was the type of place no one ever visited or holidayed, though perfect for generations of quiet families.
The day was only just beginning, and a slight breeze pressed upon the panes of a house with crawling, winding vines that were hugging red-brown bricks.
Inside, a curly mane of dirty blonde hair could be seen resting on a pillow. Her chest was heaving in a calm manner, and snoring could be heard from the room next to hers. A ginger cat was snoozing on a dressing table in the corner of the room next to a paper that read the date, December 1st. The room gave the impression that someone very neat lived here, what with a shelf of books that were ordered alphabetically, a spotless floor and a wardrobe of freshly laundered clothes.
The girl in the bed stirred, and slowly opened her eyes. When she realised it was daytime, she promptly hopped out of bed and smiled serenely. Today was her best friend’s birthday and now, it was her turn to give back some of the joy that Tye Darling had given her, when he entered her life.
Oh lol im in australia and its really hot in december.
Could you please state the grammatical errors?
Thanks (:
Best answer:
Answer by Samantha
Its good, but why is it scorching in December?
its good and also, maybe it should be chilly in december unless she lives on the equator
some grammatical errors, but good otherwise.
yeah a little to descirptive. hold back a bit on the adjectives; sometimes less is better.
for ex: for your first sentence alone you had a bunch of descrbing words: scorching, warmyl, tiny, sweetly, tall, oak. That’s a little to much. Cut it down a bit. your sentences that didn’t have as much adjectives read much more smoothly. other than that it was good!
EDITED VERSION~
The scorching sun shines warmly over the tiny town of Panting.Birds can be heard singing sweetly to the morning from their haven in the tall oak canopies.
Panting is a small, isolated town, with a population of only about 300 people. Situated in the middle of a vast forest, it is the type of place no one ever visits or vacations at, though perfect for generations of quiet families.
The day is only just beginning, and a slight breeze presses upon the panes of a house with crawling, winding vines that are hugging red-brown bricks.
Inside, a curly mane of dirty blond hair can be seen resting on a pillow. Her chest is heaving in a calm manner, and snoring can be heard from the room next to her. A ginger cat is snoozing on a dressing table in the corner of the room next to a paper that reads the date, December 1st. The room gives the impression that someone very neat lives here, what with a shelf of books that are ordered alphabetically, a spotless floor, and a wardrobe of freshly laundered clothes.
The girl in the bed stirs, and slowly opens her eyes. When she realizes it is morning, she promptly hops out of bed and smiles serenely. Today is her best friend’s birthday and now, it is her turn to give back some of the joy that Tye Darling had given her when he entered her life.
i edited some things and i changed the past tense to present tense b/c it gives a better feel to the story. Don’t use certain words repeatedly such as “that” try and find some other words and um…i don’t think its too descriptive but it’s sometimes better to get to the point or else the reader will become impatient and remember that it also helps when u read your own writing out loud but of course it doesn’t have to be in front of anyone. I’m not saying that this is a final revision of course but i do hope this helps. It is a great introduction and it’s not short unless it’s suppose to be a chapter of course but if it’s not then i believe its not short. And I repeat, this is a great introduction with a good descriptive hook. I look forward to reading more please ^^
i like it
the grammer is good
but maybe a little too desciptive…
its kind of weird that summer in australia is meant to be hot
but right now in victoria it is really wet
There is quiet a lot to be written about small families in small towns – like Jane Austen did.
Like the warm style, but why should a female character always be neat? I am a woman and have an aversion to cleaning:) There is nothing like a bit of filth to make me feel cosy:)
On a serious note – don’t stereotype ‘generations of families’ living in small towns. I come from a village and people have always come and gone. The only ones who stayed behind were either in-bred or had no hope of getting proper employment. Many people are permanently drunk and abuse their own children. Life in a small place is not always rosy even though it looks like it on the outside.
I can relate to the heat in Dec, as I am from South Africa. Love Australia – amazing scenery and those parrots – breathtakingly beautiful. Why don’t you give your story an Aussie feel instead of ye olde England:)
Happy writing and good luck! I can see that you enjoy it!