Q&A: What would you think of this story so far?
Question by : What would you think of this story so far?
My daughter who is 12 just wrote it. She asked me to put it up on here so she could get some constructive criticism. I thought it was pretty good for her age but what do you think?
I stared at the book in front of me, not understanding any of the words and frazzled by all the work I had missed. Nonchalantly, I started chewing on my yellow pencil and noting the smell chocolate chip cookies coming from downstairs. I truly believed my mother would go to the Moon if it got me to eat.
I pushed away the Algebra and lay down on the soft bed, cushioning my head with a pillow, praying that my migraine would go away, but I knew it never would. Even God didn’t have enough power to cure it.
I awoke to the sound of snoring coming from across my room. I knew it could only be my father who had arrived home from a long, vigorous day at work. It really annoyed me that I had been snuck away from my glorious dream where everything was right in the world. I knew he had only been looking out for me, but I still couldn’t help but feel a pain in my chest at the thought of losing my sleep.
I sat up in bed and saw a glass of soda and the cookies I had smelled earlier on my nightstand. I wasn’t hungry to eat, nor was I ever, but it did look appetizing. I also hadn’t had pop in six months because of my doctor’s orders.
When I detected the direction of the snoring, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It wasn’t my dad, but my sixteen year old brother, sitting in a rocking chair he must’ve dragged from his room. Kevin, who had never shown compassion for me my entire lifetime, had fallen into a deep slumber at the foot of my bed. I was no longer angry, but the thought of why he had taken the care to watch over me made me feel like I was about to cry.
Two years ago, when I was a young twelve years old in the seventh grade, my normally straight A’s went progressively down to F’s. It didn’t seem right or fair, considering the amount of time I had taken into my school work so my parents would be proud of me; so they would have something to brag about. I suddenly came home from school sobbing everyday because of headaches that never seemed to go away. It was then my mom took me to the doctor.
I had tests ran on me, and all came back negative for any diseases. They sent my case to a specialist who wanted a dangerous surgery ran on me where my head would be cut open. My family considered all the options, but it seemed clear I would have to go under.
The worst sentence my doctor could possibly tell me struck me like a lightning bolt. I was shocked for a few minutes, and then my vision blurred. He said, “You have a deadly kind of Pediatric Brain Cancer.” At first I didn’t believe him. Six months had passed since I first went to be checked out and school was nearly over. I had missed almost four weeks in total. How could I possibly be sick?
My mother was bawling next to me, her shoulders shaking and she was grasping for air. “How long,” she sobbed.
“A year or so,” he answered. “We could try chemotherapy and radiation, but I don’t think it will do much.”
I tried both treatments. My hair had fallen out right before the start of eighth grade. It was horrible to come to school. When I walked through the halls everyone just whispered my name to their cliques and stared at my wig which didn’t even look like my old hair. I always thought it would get better but it never did. The only person who talked to me was my best friend, Gabe. He didn’t care what people said about him. He followed me around proudly. He sat by my bedside when I was sick and couldn’t come to school and taught me all that I had missed. He would tell me stories he heard about other people and always lied saying everyone missed me.
I knew my days were limited; everyone did. I relied on God to make the final decision, and as each minute passed, I wondered if he was too busy to think about me. As it was, I was in the ninth grade already and my deadline had passed. I was like sour milk in the way that I was still there, but long passed my expiration date.
Thanks in advance! P.S. This is a repost because I didn’t get many answers the first time.
Actually this is a family account so we all post different questions 
Best answer:
Answer by chuck
That’s actually good for a 12 year old. She must read a lot of books. I was interested in the story and it didn’t feel like it was written by someone so young.
I just want to make one point: Most people take their kids out of school when they have cancer long before they start chemo. That way, they spend more time with their kid and the child doesn’t have to go through ridicule or pity because of their condition.
Other than that, fantastic job! Keep reading and writing
Certainly encourage her to keep writing and to especially keep reading! Reading will help her be a better writer. It’s not bad for a 12-year-old. Reminder her that most of writing is rewriting (sometimes over and over) to tighten things up and make it better.
For some constructive criticism, I’d have her focus on the basics. Her writing is a bit wordy and could be condensed. She should make every word count and get to the point.
Also she should focus on more “showing” and less “telling.” Like instead of telling the reader that she smelled the cookies – describe what the cookies smelled like. Stuff like that. She does a nice job when she talks about the brother at the foot of the bed instead of just saying that her brother was concerned. She could do more of that with Gabe – rather than tell us what he did maybe write scenes showing Gabe doing those things.
Some specific exercises that she could do:
* Circle all the times she uses a form of the word “to be” (is, was, had, have, etc). These are generally weak verbs. They can’t be eliminated completely but have her see if she can rewrite it so using a more specific, active verb.
* Circle all the “I + verb” combination to see if they could be reduced a bit. Again – it’s not about eliminating it completely, but just making sure it’s needed. Sometimes the “I knew” or “I thought” because the story is in first person, so the reader knows who is doing the knowing or the thinking. It can also help vary the sentence structure.
Some notes on the accuracy of the information. My daughter was 10 when she lost her best friend to brain cancer after a 2-year struggle. Our families were very close and it’s a very difficult and emotional thing. This story’s description of the diagnosis is not very accurate. “Running tests for a disease” is too vague. Since the story is being told from the point of view of the child – it certainly shouldn’t be technical. But it could be a bit more accurate – most doctors work hard so that a child of that age would have a basic understanding of what was being done to them. And most doctors do not give a time frame like that – and certainly not to a child like that.
Of course, how much research you want your daughter to do into this topic is up to you. It can be an very emotional thing and maybe she just wants to use her imagination. But if the story is going to be about a child dying from a brain tumor – it’s would be helpful if she had a better understanding of the whole process.
Good luck to you all.